I don’t really know where to start in this story of mishap. Depending on who you are, your level of disturbed will vary.
And I’m sorry for that.
This day began like any other, coffee, news, yoga, post yoga smoothy.. you get the drift, then off to a couple of photo sessions. Perfect really. A day like any other. Funny how the Universe unsuspectingly sends a shit storm for no other reason than to amuse itself at your expense.
Over the lunch hour I ran into Safeway with the intention of grabbing a quick bite on the go (you don’t need to know all this but I like to share) I go through check out and decide I have to pee. Like really have to pee. Best do that before I’m off to the next photo session, right?
Ladies bathroom is taken. I’m waiting, and I’m waiting, the sounds of repeated helpings off of toilet paper roll are echoing from behind the closed door and I’m thinking, do I even want to venture into that room after this women has completed whatever the hell she is doing in there? I mean it’s been a bit too long for it to be deemed oxygen friendly. So I go in the mens, its a one room show which is awesome really. This way you don’t have to worry about other “patrons” of the opposite sex venturing in.
I set my phone and wallet on a somewhat safe ledge and turn around abruptly to put the seat down and that’s when it happened, my keys, lock remote and all, slow motion it seems, are tumbling into the air! I’m watching in disgust and horror trying to strategically time catching them before they take the plunge, but nope, no stealth moves or quick saves are in the cards this day..
Ploop - straight down into the toilet.
And there they lay. True story
What - the actual- Fuck ..
Pretty sure you can imagine some other choice words coming out of my mouth. All interjected by the word, you guessed it, fuck.
Well what choice did I have? With lightening quick speed that would have served me better while the keys were in mid-flight, I plunged my hand into the icy depths of this very public male dominated toilet,, and grabbed my keys.
Big nasal belly breaths - big nasal belly breaths- I need to calm and oxygenate my brain, I realized I had been holding my breath. Like that’s gonna solve anything while plunging my hand into a filthy pube ridden toilet.
I could not scramble to the sink fast enough to start scrubbing my E.coli tainted appendages. My hand, my arm and yes, my keys. I wanted to vomit. But instead I started to laugh. For real? I mean who fucking does this? How does this happen? Why? why? why!?
I think I peed at some point, I can’t remember. I believe I was in shock.
There was a gentleman waiting for his turn in the ‘mens’ washroom when I exited this water closet of hell. The look on his face was pretty entertaining, and on any other day there would have been some fucks given on my behalf, at being busted coming out of the mens washroom.. But not this day.. nope. Not this time. The recent key trauma was just too great.
I might have a mild form of PTS. This trauma is very recent and I haven’t been formally diagnosed. As I write this account of my horrific fumble I feel anger, confusion, chills, a compulsive gag reflex and some denial. Pretty sure a night with my “wine group” will make all things right with the world again. Pray for me.
Well played universe, Well played.